Thursday 20 September 2012

"Be Fair To Yourself" Culled From My Upcoming Book "Celebrate"

  
BE FAIR TO YOURSELF

Being hard on yourself is not only unhealthy but it brings about stress and just as bitterness, stress can hinder a lot in one’s life. It makes you unfocused and you can’t see anything good around you. Over the years, I discovered that stress doesn’t make us ill most times but we do. One thing that amazes me when I meet people who are facing stress-related problems is that they are all kind people, but somehow when it gets to their own personal life, they give up, moan and groan, demand and wheedle away until someone else deals with the problem, or he or she simply doesn't care. It makes sense when you think about it; weak, cynical, lazy, selfish or manipulative people don’t get swallowed up when faced with stress because they always put themselves first. I’m not suggesting that you become selfish, but its time you asses the way you run your life and look for what defines you. This will make you realize that being kind to yourself is more important than being right. Who else is better qualified than you? Maybe that gives a clue as to why you are in that predicament. “Oh, he’s so nice, generous, always caring, is the typical description of a sufferer from those who know him. In particular, with those who suffer from stress-induced failure, I can tell you they are strong, reliable, diligent and caring on the outside, while on the inside being sensitive, easily hurt by criticism and with a self-esteem that is easy to knock out.


When things go wrong, don’t go with them… While events can undoubtedly contribute to producing problems, in my experience it is people and places that are the worst culprits. Some people are toxic. They are demanding, chaotic and unpredictable, complain, criticize, abuse, neglect and take advantage. They are very good at it. They see you coming as you are, open, honest, sensitive and giving but they become manipulative. The truth is that most people are quite nice, but the small proportion of people who are abusive develop very sharp antennae for those who they can take for a ride. If you are someone who always gives and can’t say no, you will become surrounded by these type. The good people of the world are more reticent and won’t push themselves on you, so if you don’t seek for help, you would think the world is populated entirely by takers. It isn’t, you just haven’t cleared enough space for good people to get close to you. So judge people by their actions, not by their persuasive words. If a friend isn’t kind to you, is he a friend?. Don’t allow anyone to put you under unnecessary pressure. It is your life and your life alone. Resentment and exhaustion are bad; it's a sign that you are passively acceding to the demands of others rather than taking responsibility primarily for yourself and your health. This issue can be particularly difficult when it involves family members. I’m not advocating separation or something like that. But you can set limits. One of our skills is our ability to use the powerful word. “NO!” it might be a pain for people around us at the time, but it develops important skills of the will. You only become a winner if you are willing to walk over the edge.

Your life is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice…Places can also be toxic, particularly places of work. Some employers really care for their workforce, while others merely pretend. Real care, understanding and help from your employer, in an atmosphere of encouragement and facilitation, rather than regulation and bureaucracy, are worth more than any label. If you feel abused by your employer, look at your options. You may assume you don’t have any choices, with all the financial demands upon you, but you do. One thing is certain: what isn’t tried won’t work. You don’t die if you downsize your house, your kids won’t perish if they move schools, and your two cars or annual holiday don't worth the chaos in your life. Or maybe you are an unmarried mother with three children and no support, you too have a choice. You can try to be perfect mother all the time, always attentive and at your children’s service, but eventually you’ll break down. That’s no good for them. How about some balance? How about having a "ME" time? Make out time to give yourself a treat to easy off the stress. As always, the key word here is ‘balance’.

To move from where you are, you must decide where you are going…The most dangerous place to be in life is to be in the middle of the road. The book of James says: a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. What do you really want out of that hopeless situation? At the end of the day what are you aiming at? Do you really want to overcome your fears, stress or are you comfortable with what is happening in your life right now? These are questions you must answer if you must change anything. Are you comfortable with the fact that your situation is attracting sympathy and help from other people? Take a step further, your life history is not written with a pen, but with your actions. The truth of the matter is that your happiness is what is at stake. I agree with Nancy Sims, ‘don’t give up yet when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying’. Let a tough situation know you are tougher.

Can’t deliver the goods if your heart is heavier than the load…If people can stress you and make you fall, then do yourself a favour and don't make matters worse. Some people tend to criticize themselves a lot, with phrases peppering their speech such as “I’m so silly/stupid/weak” or “I should/shouldn’t have”. Arthur Roche said, “Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.” When you accommodate thoughts of worry, regret, and pain in your heart, you suddenly become emotionally and spiritually heavy to the point where everything means nothing to you.

When you look at your life, can you find what sustains you from the inside when everything else falls away? It doesn’t matter if you’ve had a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, get up, clean up, and with a soft whisper of encouragement, tell yourself “I can”. Give yourself one more chance to be happy and you will see every other thing falling in their right place.

So the key to being fair to yourself and overcoming unnecessary stress laid upon you by other people and places with the aim to destroy and keep you down in life, is kindness. This means being kind to yourself as much as you are to others and distancing yourself from or putting boundaries against people and places that aren’t kind to you. This doesn’t put away the need for you to make other choices in your life, such as seeking godly counsel, looking at your lifestyle, your diet, exercising, and the likes. Remember the book of proverbs that says, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine”. It begins and ends with YOU….

Nelly Okonkwo

4 comments:

  1. Superb. A nice piece.

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  2. Nelly, ur doing great here. I will sure be a regular visitor.

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